“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
19th May 2020 – Another trip to the hospital, it was starting to feel like a second home, once what was a strange new place now had an air of familiarity about it. I strolled around the corridors knowing exactly where I was going and the staff in the clinic all knew me before I even needed to give my name. Today was a more dignified visit, the wounds were starting to close and it was considerably less painful when the bandages were removed, I could bare the nurse swabbing my hand without the usual cry from me, “get me the gas!!”
As I laid on the bed the nurse smiled at me and asked me if I had looked at it, which too be honest I still hadn’t, of course Id seen my hand wrapped in the bandages but actually in the flesh, no! Then she drops the bombshell on me, next week the bandages are coming off completely, so she strongly advised me to take a proper look. I hadn’t prepared for this, I known the day would come eventually but I felt I needed time to prepare. So gingerly I took a look, took a photo and laid back down, hmmmm, it wasn’t as bad as I thought but still to the people that knew me, family and friends alike my hand would be quite shocking. And this is the bit that worried me, I knew in time I would become familiar with my new look but showing it in public was a big hill to climb for me, the more I thought about it, the worse the anxiety became. To the untrained eye, my hand would be strange and attract the judging glances of strangers, I just wasn’t prepared for this yet. Physically I was healing but mentally I still had a mountain to climb.
The journey home was a couple of hours and I was quiet most of the way, my fiancee kept trying to strike up a conversation but she was drowned out by my inner monologue. She decided she wanted to stop at a local town on the way, as we arrived and pulled up outside of a shop, I had to make a quick decision. Under normal circumstances I would of jumped out of the car, ran in and done what I needed to do but today I was wracked with paranoia. I guess this was my first personal challenge, I got out of the car and took a deep breath and walked towards the store. Minutes later we were back, Id noticed the clerk take a glance down at my hand but that was it. I didn’t feel judged, as always I was overthinking the situation!
We decided to visit the supermarket before we left, this time I decided to stay in the car, Id had my excitement for the day and that’s when it happened. As I glanced around the carpark something caught my eye, it was strange, odd looking, I locked onto it and processed what I was seeing. There right in the middle of the car park was a fairly well built guy, shaved head and glasses, that’s not strange your thinking!, but this fella was wearing a rather fetching summer dress and ladies heels! For a few seconds I couldn’t look away and then my brain caught up and I smiled, what the hell was I doing. Twenty minutes earlier was I not worrying about being judged or stared at and here I was doing the exact same thing, what a hypocrite!!!!!!
I leaned back in the seat and smiled to myself, fair play to that guy I thought, he truly did not give one f*ck, that was his thing, he was comfortable with it and he didn’t care what anyone else thought. This was a good lesson for me, that was how I needed to be, just accept my hand as it was and not worry about anyone else’s opinion.
25th April- 3rd May 2020- If you’ve been following my story since post #1 then I thank you, never in my life did I imagine my life would take the direction it has but I’m grateful to everyone that has stopped by and dropped me a like, even these small gestures are like a pair of invisible hands helping to pick me up when I feel a little down. I’m still fairly incapacitated so the only exercise I can do at the moment is work my brain and try and be positive whenever I feel any negativity slipping in.
This whole experience still feels very surreal, I still havent seen my damaged hand yet, the painkillers are keeping me numb and the constant trips back and forth to hospital are keeping me busy, but I know the day will come when the bandages will come off and I will have to face the real image of a left hand that is less than perfect!
I always remind myself that what I’m going through, although very personal and considerable to me, in comparison to the suffering of other people around the world, its nothing. As I sit here now I only have to lift my head and glance around and realise how lucky and fortunate I really am. I have a roof over my head, I have a fiancee who loves me dearly, I have food in my kitchen and I am able get medical help with just one phone call without any worry or hesitation. Sure it would be amazing to have a shiny ferrari on the drive and a million pounds in the bank but would those thing make me truly happy and fulfilled, no!
I will still strive for financial security for my family but it’s the little things in life that are more important to me now and they will always take precedence over financial wealth. I ask you now to think, if you were stuck in the middle of the desert, hundreds of miles away from the nearest town or village with no phone, thirsty and injured, what good would money do for you? But if there was a kind person just over the next sand dune with water and supplies, a person that ordinarily you wouldnt give a second glance on the street, perhaps in that moment you would think a lot differently!?
I remain humbled and will do forever since the accident, my life is now set on a new course and only the feeling of being able to help others less fortunate motivates me to regain my strength and make a difference in this world.
Be kind to each other, you never know when you will be the one that needs help!